Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
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Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY