@KenJennings: Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don't get how they made it to all those houses in one night.
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@amydillon: Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
@GrantTanaka: On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time"
@RainbowJohnJ: A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
@Boleyngirly: My daughter just announced she's SICK of stupid-ass people. I said "Oh darlin, you're gonna feel ill for a long time.. they're everywhere."