If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
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Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Monica just destroyed the internet
You got this…
u spoke cat all this time??????
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals