*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
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Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
The glory of fall.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.