Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
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Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.