@TheAlexNevil: Read a magazine at the doctor's office so I'm all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don't think Bush can beat him.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk. Me: We can wait a few days. Wife: We’re out of beer. Me: *dives in the car*
@Smethanie: Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one's ever said "because it's my ex's Twitter handle" before.
@tararose711: Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you're going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.