Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
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My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.