I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
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Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
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My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
*3.5 thank you very much.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’