@deathoftheparty: read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
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@NurseKimaaa: It's so awkward when a man texts you to come over and you have to pretend like you weren't already inside their house.
@DanMentos: "We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision" Which was? "We ate Bill" OMG. How long were you in there? “4 minutes"
@TheFearBoners: When one door closes, another opens. Also, you can open the closed door. That's how doors work. How do you know so little about doors?
@ltsKermit: mom: who’s your background? me: my boyfriend mom: can i meet him? me: not before i do mom: what? me: what?