@deathoftheparty: read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
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@MeatloafComedy: My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it's rude to point???
@novicefather: I'm at my most audacious and brazen when I shamelessly use words like audacious and brazen.
@buttcrunchy: "honey why is our water bill so high?" *water bill sits there holding a bong* hahahah duuuude i don't know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
@T_N_Crumpets: Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was? [flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills] Me: Easily 10