[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
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Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.