[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
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Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.