sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
You Might Also Like
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
That eye roll….
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
and now we wait
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
lol
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….