[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
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[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
This will never not be funny to me.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]