[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
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It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!