*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
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Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Good dog. ❤️
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
ouch
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted