*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
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i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me