He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
You Might Also Like
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
it was a valiant fight
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower