*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
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My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.