My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
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FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.