Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
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waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”