Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
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“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why