Real House Wines.
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There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?