Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
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Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
A fake ID that makes you younger
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge