The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
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Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
☠️☠️☠️
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.