Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
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Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
no!! no!!!!!!
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”