Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
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Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
See..?
.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Had an epiphany today.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
happy friday
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”