me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
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When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Put a ring on it
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
That’s classic.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.