@mysteryteacher: Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
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@mishakey: If you stop at a yellow light I'm going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister- Me: Stop tattling. I don't want to hear about it unless there's blood. 5: Me: 5: How much blood?
@rickolantern: *stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
@ojedge: [job interview] Interviewer: "Describe yourself in 2 words." Me: "Atinubs. Econsibu." Interviewer: "You're hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA."