Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
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Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
President The Rock Obama
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell