Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
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Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.