boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
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Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
*pokes sex life with a stick
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.