Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
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I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
how was your vacation
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat