Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
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Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
what the
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
is it earth
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*