REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
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Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger