Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
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me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.