Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
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Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
When the stylist spins you back around
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”