REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
You Might Also Like
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Social distancing in Australia:
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?