REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
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The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver