Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
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Stonehinge
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
The “baby” on the left….
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Stop it! 😂
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.