Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
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At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?