*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
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me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh