reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
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I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations