reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
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I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
What do you hear?
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.