Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
You Might Also Like
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Well, this certainly took a turn
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
THIS HEADLINE
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.