15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
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Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it