Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
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*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Me too
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Blew out my flip flop…
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”