*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
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If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
my friends when i can’t do basic math
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.