Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
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I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train