recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
You Might Also Like
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.