Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
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I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Worst bar ever.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.