Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
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ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing