Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
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Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Simple enough.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.