Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
You Might Also Like
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises