Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
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People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
I bet
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey