Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
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Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??