You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
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[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses